^ This morning's paper. Undoubtedly, no further copies exist as terrified people scramble for whatever resources they can amidst this new found chaos.
I am writing this on 1/1/1 PFPA (Post Free Plastic-bag Age), 2.30pm. Those of you who are privileged enough to be reading this from the safety of your apocalypse bunkers, I hope you are surviving as best you can on the meagre rations that seem to be left in this terrifying new world. I’m making the assumption that those with bunkers are now the only ones able to read this blog, as everyone else is either amidst the soul-shaking chaos of the outside world or has tragically and chaotically lost their life.
As we all know, our lives unexpectedly and irrevocably changed forever this morning, as we were subjected to a new and chaotic world order that sees us charged for plastic bags at the supermarket. The (self-checkout) machines had been trying to warn us of the change for the last few weeks, but we didn’t listen to them.
No, worse. We didn’t trust them. We didn’t trust the machines. After all, after the chaos of unexpected items in bagging areas, we didn’t know they - of all sentient beings - would be the ones to try and help us.
And now look where we are. It is pure chaos out there.
Already today, I’ve seen things I can’t ever hope to possibly un-see. 5p coins, brazenly strewn across wallets and the streets, their dimpled edges sharp enough to cause minor metallic paper-cuts to the most unsuspecting of victims. People bringing their own plastic bags to the supermarket, presumably extracted from a larger plastic bag they keep under the sink at home along with other balled up plastic bags. Or, worst yet, those without either bag or coin unable to do anything with their purchased shopping. Crushed by the realisation that he simply couldn't deal with this chaotic society anymore, I saw one man attempt to steal a plastic bag with which to suffocate himself. Alas, to no avail, as some sick bystander offered him a spare canvas bag.
Obviously, we are ensnared by chaos. It’s as if the Earth itself has bucked back at its lowly inhabitants for trying to make it a better place. After spending decades being plagued with disposable sacks branded Sainsbury’s or Tesco, it had become accustomed to its own suffering; as accustomed as a 40-a-day smoker is to their delicious respiratory destruction. Who are we to try and make the Earth quit plastic bags cold turkey by offering very slight methods of deterrence?
We all saw what happened to Wales a few years ago. Why, oh why, did we not learn from the mistakes that have left our cherished neighbours to the west in a barren wasteland? Now we are hurtling towards a previously unknown tenth circle of Dante’s Inferno! A circle of pure chaos as chaos chaotically envelops more chaos.
It is true chaos, beyond chaos we’ve ever known. Chaos beyond unemployment and homelessness. Chaos beyond refugee crises. Chaos beyond the privatisation of the NHS. Chaos beyond necro-pig-fellation.
My friends. Truly, these are the end times. Of chaos.
P.S. Grow the hell up, you caustic barrel-scraping, fear-mongering tabloid rags.