DISCLAIMER: If you are repulsed by the sight of Nigel Farage like most humans, you may want to pass on this one. Right, on with it then.
Yes folks, it’s nearly election time and what kind of commentary pundit would I be if I didn’t hastily mash together my own opinions about politics for public dissemination? I’ll tell you dear reader, I’d be a worthless one! Because everybody knows you can only succeed in the world of op-ed content by having inflammatory views about the political landscape!
However, I think all those riled up news outlets are really missing a trick in identifying what really makes this year’s election so different to all previous ones. Yes, of course it’s the presence of British everyman-who-likes-a-pint-and-hates-immigrants, Nigel Farage. Or ol’ Nigey to his mates, the UK populous (as long as they’re British born and bred though haha, am I right? Get me a pint of Spitfire, stat*).
"Lookit, I'm doing politics!!"
However, when journos talk about Nigey, they always harp on about his anti-human policies, his never-ending hypocrisy around foreigners stealing our jobs whilst employing his ostensibly non-British wife, his utter ignorance around HIV, the fact he always seems to be holding a pint or his affably matey guffaw. Frankly, I hadn’t actually noticed any of these things until someone told me about them at work last week. Why? Because every time I see something relating to Nigey, the only thing I can focus on is the bloated skin-fest that is his neck; the jowly abundance that nestles the precipice of hate that is his pint-and-fag reeking mouth; the chin swallowing abyss that only has enough structural integrity to support the out-of-date head atop it thanks to an incredibly tightly done up tie and top-button combo; the abundance of gnarly foreskin around a true dickhead.
It’s like he’s had a giant earthworm surgically grafted atop his shoulders, the rings surrounding its body giving him an overspill of chin over his collar and tie every time he cackles maniacally about how immigrants are to blame for the economic crisis and the ban on fox hunting. At a certain point, it seems like ol’ Nigey is more jelly-neck than man, which is ironic considering what a spineless scrote he is.
But damn, doesn’t he photograph well?
*For those of you interested in the writing process, when I originally drafted this entry, I initially wrote “Get me a pint of [insert racist drink here]”. A little peep in to the craft of ranting for you. Not everything comes to me instantaneously, hours of research went in to my drink choice. Did I succeed? Why not tweet me @rantlist and I’ll be sure to block and report you for harassment.