^ "It's these cards and movies and the pop songs - they're to blame for the lies and the heartache!" Hey, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, don't forget over the top, try-hard quirky romance films like '(500) Days of Summer'! You tit.
Being a fan of 1980s pop-culture especially, I've watched a lot of terrible films and television series. I've also read a lot of silly books in my not so vast time on this mortal coil. One thing that has always struck me is the complete lack of reality in everything. Especially in television. But especially in films.
Day to day life is generally a bit mundane with a couple of occasional flourishes of drama or excitement. However, if I were to believe Desperate Housewives or even Eastenders, every day would be a cavalcade of people being shot, multiple marriages and occasionally touching love stories, Tiffany being pushed down the stairs, murderers buying houses on my street, crack addiction related hijinks, women older than time itself bearing faces made purely from vacuum-formed plastic or the baby-stealing shenanigans of a psycho. Of course, that isn't life at all.
I'm happy to accept that life isn't all doom and gloom, but let's be realistic. Good things do happen every once in a while - of that we can be sure - but they never happen like they do in visual media. Life simply doesn't work like that. To demonstrate my point, what follows is a dispassionate list of a few instances of romanticised rubbish infused with a healthy dose of realism;
Ferris wouldn't get away with all that crap he pulled, for one he's using a computer to edit his attendance records before the internet existed. Ross and Rachel would probably not have stayed in such close proximity all the time considering their intense break up and their group of friends would have been fractured as a result. Charlie wouldn't find the golden ticket and would remain poverty stricken all his life. Girls like Zooey Deschanel don't listen to the Smiths. Marty McFly would have never been born because he decided to mess around with timelines. Indy would have been crushed horrifically by that giant boulder. Juno wouldn't own a hamburger phone. Carol Hathaway would have died in the first episode. Mia would have died from that overdose and Vincent would get killed by Marcellus. Ted never met your mother. Nicholas Cage wouldn't have hair. Morpheus was actually a very clever drug dealer and Neo became hooked on the red pill. Luke wouldn't have destroyed the Death Star because he turned off his targeting system. Judd Nelson would have been expelled from high school, Molly Ringwald wouldn't have talked to Anthony Michael Hall, Ally Sheedy would be seeking medical attention for all that dandruff and, most importantly, hot-boxing a room wouldn't give Emilio Estevez the super powers to shatter a glass door with the power of his voice.
Yeah. I think that will do for now.