Some things in life serve only to induce rage. No matter how small these annoyances may be, they are never insignificant. 'Rant List' is the chronicle of one self-loathing narcissist's seemingly unending pettiness.

Sunday, 20 February 2011

50. Using "I was drunk" as an excuse

^ This might be the one occasion I'll let the "I was drunk" excuse slide.
Heaven knows I like a tipple. I also have enough humility and self-awareness to admit that, every once in a while, that tipple escalates in to a topple, spilt drinks, slurring and me spouting incomprehensible nonsense about music circa 1984. Honestly, it occasionally happens to all of us. It's silly, it's irresponsible and it's a mistake but, like all errors, we vaguely hope to learn from it and accept our own idiocy. Everyone slips up every once in a while, I think we can all tolerate that.

What I can't abide, however, is getting yourself in a complete state and then not having the proverbial balls to own up to your own antics. Simply put, if you don't learn to stick to your own drinking limits, then at least have enough moral integrity to accept your actions. If you can't do that, then don't drink. It's that straight forward. The excuse that you've drunk too much and that's why you're acting like a prat shows a child-like understanding of how your behaviour affects other people and your own inability to admit you were in the wrong.

"I was really drunk" is not an excuse, it's a statement of your own lack of self-control.

49. Pseudo-intellectuals

^ Okay, this made me giggle heartily. From here.

Ooh, look at me. I'm so intellectual because I've been reading all this avant-garde literature you've never heard of, like Chekov and Sartre. I've also read Joyce's Ulysses. I read it whilst listening to nothing but Rachmaninov pieces and the sound of my own ego inflating.

Earlier today, I went to sit in Starbucks with my personally assembled collection of T.S. Eliot poems and gave all those idiotic, caffeine-absorbing numb-skulls a chance to view what they could be if only they challenged themselves. I didn't even buy a coffee, I was too busy doing a public service! Then, I followed it up by giving a talk on how political I am to a group of politicised youths who are currently occupying a political building for political reasons. Now, excuse me as I have to return to my ironically dilapidated flat, sup wine and write a brilliant novel by candlelight. With a quill. On a scroll.


I hope you spill the wine, knock the candle over and burn your house down. Yeah.

Monday, 14 February 2011

48. Valentine's Day


^ 'More Than Words' is unquestionably the most romantic song ever, despite the massive subtext of "I want to get in your pants". However, this song is only good when Extreme do it. No exceptions.

I know what you're thinking. "Oh, here we go. Generic internet-whiner is rambling about Valentine's Day because of its supposed over-commercialism, when in reality they're just bitter because they're alone".

Well, think again. You pissbag.

There's nothing wrong with the over the top commercialism of Valentine's Day. We are, for the most part, happy enough to bastardise events like Christmas and Easter with the never-ending desire to thrust material goods on other people, so why not St. Valentine's? It's only logical. I just want Valentine's to give up any pretence of being romantic, much like we all know Christmas is no longer about Jesus and Easter is no longer about giant pink rabbits who lay eggs.

There is nothing romantic about everyone doing something "romantic" on a set day, every year, without fail. The very nature of being forced to show your affection to someone by an arbitrary calendar date robs the recipient of the spontaneity that is often key to romantic gestures. If you really want to be romantic this Valentine's day, do nothing. Instead, wait for the right time. When you're genuinely bursting with love and need to express it, then do something that displays your actual feelings - not the feelings you've been told you should have by social convention. Don't go to a restaurant / cinema / pub / MaccyD's (delete as appropriate) on a day that is completely meaningless to your relationship. All that will happen is you will be surrounded by other couples who are also desperately attempting to validate their own relationships and fawn awkward conversation about how "in love" they are, further cheapening your false-hope that your Valentine's date will really be something special.

At the heart of it, just take all the pressure and forced emotion out of Valentine's and treat it like any other day. Don't wait for one day a year to show your love - you should show it when you can and want to.