Some things in life serve only to induce rage. No matter how small these annoyances may be, they are never insignificant. 'Rant List' is the chronicle of one self-loathing narcissist's seemingly unending pettiness.

Sunday, 8 August 2010

19. Broadsheet newspapers


^ This is a genuine photo of me attempting to read a broadsheet. Notice how needlessly large it is.

We all know that the modern media and its fear-mongering depiction of the world is inaccurate, biased and frankly ridiculous. But few of us acknowledge the bigger problem with the modern newspaper. Forget the lies, forget the Daily Fail led scandals, the real issue comes down to size.*

I was recently in an airport where my flight had been delayed and I took it upon myself to read the Financial Times. "Ah, current events," I thought. "How scholarly." I read the front page. The article was quite compelling and like a sucker, I proceeded on to open the paper and continue reading. School boy error, the bloody thing attacked me. There I was, sitting in the departure gate of Cologne-Bonn, being swallowed alive by pink pages of text whilst a middle aged Asian woman gazed at me, judging my inability to hold the newspaper properly. After five whole minutes of loud rustling, I managed to refold the paper and sheepishly returned it to the shelf. I sat back down and ate duty free M&Ms for the next hour. Arguably, time better spent.

I honestly do not understand how broadsheets became a standardised sizing. It's as if they were invented by a socially aware sect of human-giant hybrids (I was going to say they were created by full blooded giants, but giants are probably too big for broadsheet newspapers; I'm nonsensical, but damn it, I'm logical). Whenever I try to read a broadsheet newspaper however, I am caught adrift in a mess of trying to unfold the thing, keeping it up right and not becoming engulfed by the low quality paper. Now, admittedly, this might be something to do with my impressive stature of 3"5', but I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking these newspapers are impractically large to read. I'd genuinely read physical newspapers more often if it wasn't for the effort. It's design flaws like this that lead people to get their misinformation from Fox "News". I hope whoever designed broadsheets is proud of that.

*Obligatory "That's what she said!"

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