Some things in life serve only to induce rage. No matter how small these annoyances may be, they are never insignificant. 'Rant List' is the chronicle of one self-loathing narcissist's seemingly unending pettiness.

Friday, 30 April 2010

11. Sob stories on "talent" shows

^ A lot of people point out the irony of Amanda Holden hosting a talent contest, but to them I quote Max Weber - "One need not have been Caesar in order to understand Caesar." Or in Holden's case, one need not have any modicum of discernible skill in order to be a judge on one of the most ridiculously stupid shows on television.

I know reality television is by definition meant to be bad (it wasn't always, mind - remember, when Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares was set in the UK and didn't depend on a blubbering mess of American drama queens whining about how they've let their families down? That was good telly), but shows like Britain's Got Talent or the X-Factor are probably amongst the worst offenders. The fact that they masquerade themselves as a talent contest should be enough of a hint that they're probably not worth watching - after all, any show that presents the warbling mess that is Alexandra Burke as talented probably wouldn't know what talent was if it slept with their wife and repeatedly punched them in the face. But it's as if the contestants themselves have given up the fallacy of auditioning on the merit of their own talent.

I don't know if the camera brings it out in them, but anyone who auditions for these shows always has some ridiculous story to tell, inevitably wrought with uninteresting emotion. These idiotically constructed narratives usually consist of some kind of tragic event being an adversity in this member of the public's long, arduous struggle to make it through to the show's auditioning process. Common offenders include the passing away of a close relative, an overcoming of a terrible illness, a self-indulgent affirmation of some poxy achievement or something else that occurs every day in the lives of everyone else. I couldn't care less about what happened in some emotionally-inept scrote's life prior to the audition, it bears no relevance whatsoever on whether they have any talent. Tear-stifled proclamations of "Yeah, I auditioned for the X-Factor because my brother died" aren't suddenly going to give you the vocal pipes of someone like Meatloaf (or some equally contemporary singer that the kids listen to). You're still going to give an embarrassing performance, except now you'll sully your dead brother's name in the process. Well done, you talentless sod. Now get off the stage before I push you off.

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