Some things in life serve only to induce rage. No matter how small these annoyances may be, they are never insignificant. 'Rant List' is the chronicle of one self-loathing narcissist's seemingly unending pettiness.

Monday, 26 April 2010

10. Street fund-raisers

^ If so-called charity muggers were at least a quarter as creative as this man, I would be destitute. Instead I'm presented with a 18 year old boil on the face of humanity, striving to make money for his gap year and not even knowing what "charity" means.

Every time I walk down Tottenham Court Road, I can guarantee being accosted by one of these false-smiled guilt-mongerers - there is literally no way to get past them. Ignore them and you're a horrible human who refuses to even acknowledge your fellow man when they reach out to you (I'm surprisingly adamant about politeness despite being a misanthrope). But, engage them and you're forced to endure five time-wasting minutes of emotion-laden verbal spew until they finally let you get a few words in edgeways - the words always inevitably being "No. I'm leaving now".

I'm not against the principle per se, contributing to charity is a worthy cause - I do it all the time*. What I am against, however, is being cornered and consequently subjected to a drawn out begging session, where the enduring message is "You're a terrible person, give us some money to help other people / animals / out of work actors and levy your social guilt, you morally bereft fadger". Also, sometimes the fund-raisers are just rude and refuse to believe that you're genuinely in a hurry or going somewhere, making you look like even more of an uncaring egoist. You stopped me on the street. Do you really think I'm wandering about aimlessly in my free-time?

Coercion techniques aside, the main problem I have is far more reasonable; donating to charity shouldn't be something you do on a whim when some student twerp starts hassling you in the streets about the dying elephants in the world. Screw the elephants (not literally, that's bestiality). When I donate to charity, I'm going to be contributing money to causes I feel personally invested in and so should you. Stop being a mindless sycophant who lets other people make their decisions for them and instead seek out a charity that you genuinely want to be a part of. For instance, I support groups for alcoholism, Type 2 diabetes and treatments for cancer of the soul - primarily because these are all organisations I will eventually come to benefit from when I'm 60, watching Jeremy Kyle Jr., drinking warm whiskey out of a pint glass balanced on my balloon-gut and eating M&Ms through a funnel. Think of the future you wish to create and help a charity based on that.

*My existence is a charity to humanity. I fund that. Charity starts at home.

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